The Network Approved Version of Harry Potter
by Gema J. Gall
Summary: Finished Title says it all. If you like Harry Potter, read. If you don't like Harry Potter, read anyways.


Harry Potter Fan Fiction  
  
The Network Approved Version of Harry Potter  
  
By: Gema J. Gall  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowlings, not Gema J Gall, as if you didn't already know that..... Also, I am borrowing Lydia Karaoke from Hysteria. (She's the network censor....)  
  
AN/ OK, This is basically me venting a lot of frustration. Here's the background; many Christians have problems with Harry Potter, for various reason which are going to be listed and spoofed. Now, I happen to be a Christian who likes Harry Potter. I am sick of hearing people baselessly bash Potter. So, I wrote this fic to exaggerate what would be done to Harry Potter for the aforementioned people to tolerate it. Now, I do understand that not every Christian feels the same way, so this spoof is only meant to slam those who like to blow it out of proportions. This is an extremity.  
  
*Harry Potter steps off of the train to Hogwarts for his second year. Hermione and Ron are also present. Draco is somewhere in the background.*  
  
Hagrid: Welcome back t'er Hogwarts, Harry.  
  
Harry: It feels good to be home.  
  
Lydia: One moment! We have problems already.  
  
Hermione: Um, who are you? And what are you doing here?  
  
Ron: Do you think she's a muggle?  
  
Lydia: I'm Lydia Karaoke, network censor. And I am going to have to censor some aspects of this story.  
  
Ron: Definitely a muggle.....  
  
Lydia: First, we can't have you naming a school with the words 'witchcraft' or 'wizardry' in the title.  
  
Hermione: Why not? That is what it is. It is a school that teaches students with magic abilities how to reach their full potential.  
  
Lydia: No can do. We have to change that.  
  
Ron: Why?  
  
Lydia: Because 'witchcraft' is evil. Now how does Hogwarts School of Magic sound? Or how about Hogwarts School for the Paranormally Gifted?  
  
Harry: It was fine before.  
  
Hagrid: What are yer doin' to my school?  
  
Lydia: That's another thing we have to change. We can't have giants running around. That's a no-no.  
  
Ron: Hagrid isn't a giant?! Is he?  
  
Hagrid: Now, I know I might be a little on ther tall side, but giant?  
  
Lydia: It will just be a minor modification. *Poof. She snaps her fingers and Hagrid turns into Shaq.*  
  
Ron: Woah!  
  
Hermione: Isn't that magic? Didn't you just use magic? You hypocrite!  
  
Lydia: That's not magic, it censoring powers. They are completely different.  
  
Harry: But what did you do to Hagrid?  
  
Hagrid: Hey, Harry. Up for a game of b-ball?  
  
*Draco sees commotion and walks over.*  
  
Draco: Potter! What did you do this time? Are you and Weasley trying to get yourselves expelled?  
  
Lydia: Ah! You must be Draco Malfoy. As the network censor, I am going to have to modify your character.  
  
Draco: What is this muggle doing here?  
  
Lydia: We can't have all of your cruel comments and tricks. We only want positive and uplifting things to be said and done. So, Draco, you are going to have to be changed.  
  
Ron: *quietly* Well, this could be interesting.  
  
Harry: I think we should run.  
  
Draco: You, a muggle, do something to me? *He begins to laugh.*  
  
Lydia: That is the exact kind of stuff I am going to have to change. *She snaps her fingers again and Draco stops laughing.*  
  
Draco: Why, that was ever so rude of me. I must apologize.  
  
Lydia: Much better.  
  
Draco: Hello, Harry. Good day, Ron. Before we meet for dinner in the Great Hall would you like to stop and swap stories about our summer. It would be fun. It seems hard to believe I haven't seen you in three months. We really should hang out more.  
  
Ron: Now I am afraid.  
  
Harry: I really think we should run.  
  
Hermione: Draco?! *Turns to Lydia* Did you brainwash him?  
  
Lydia: No, I just made his personality more fitting for the kind of audience who reads Harry Potter.  
  
Hagrid: Where is my entourage? I have a game in LA I can't miss. I have an important autograph signing there.  
  
Ron: That's it! We're out of here! *The three run.*  
  
Lydia: Hummmmm. I need to see if they need my assistance later.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Hermione: Do you think that weird lady disappeared yet?  
  
Harry: I hope so.  
  
Ron: I just don't like the way Draco is being nice to us. It is unnerving.  
  
Harry: Let's just sit and try to enjoy the sorting. Then maybe we can figure out what is going on.  
  
*The Sorting Hat begins its rhyme.*  
  
*Lydia Karaoke appears.*  
  
Lydia: That simple won't do! We can't have hats talking. It's completely improbable.  
  
Dumbledore: Who are you?  
  
Lydia: My name is Lydia Karaoke, and I am censoring this story.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Groan.....  
  
*Lydia snaps her fingers. The Sorting Hat disappears and a scroll appears in Dumbledore's hands.*  
  
Dumbledore: What is this?  
  
Lydia: That is the class list. Use it. We can't have any thing like that hat here. *Looks around the room.* Now what else needs to be censored?  
  
Ron: We'd better run!  
  
Hermione: No! If we move, she'll see us.  
  
*Snape steps foward.*  
  
Snape: Excuse me, but you are breaking school rules, muggle. You are going to have to leave.  
  
Lydia: Ah, yes, you were on my list of characters to censor. Now, we can't have a biased goth teaching students now, can we?  
  
Hermione: She's after Snape?!  
  
Harry: This is getting weird..... And I thought Voldemort was bad.  
  
*Lydia snaps her fingers. Snape now has nicely combed hair and is wearing a tie and nice collared shirt.*  
  
Lydia: Much better!  
  
*Hogwarts students gasp.*  
  
Lydia: Now, a name like Snape won't do..... How about we call you Mr. Scott? Yes, I like that.  
  
Ron: Where does she come up with this stuff?  
  
Snape: Yes, ma'am. And it was a pleasure to meet you. *He sits down.*  
  
*Owl Post comes flying in.* (AN/ Bear with me on the earliness of this.)  
  
Harry: Wow! I got a letter!  
  
Hermione: Open it!  
  
Harry: ..... It's from the Dursleys......  
  
Ron: The muggles you live with, why?  
  
Harry: *Reads* Dear Harry, how is your first day back at Hogwarts. We missed you so much. The house is not the same without you here. Dudley really misses you, you know he sees you like a brother. Take care, and be sure to make lots of friends. But don't forget to study. We'll be sending you a little something next week to help with the homesickness. Love Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and Dudley.  
  
Hermione: What.....?!  
  
Harry: This has got to be some kind of trick!  
  
Ron: No! Look how Lydia is smiling at you.  
  
Harry:..... She censored them, too...... This is getting out of hand. *Begins to reach for his wand.*  
  
Hermione: Wait! *Lydia looks up at the Owl Post.*  
  
Lydia: With all the forms of communication in the world, I fail to see the need for this. *She snaps her fingers, owls disappear.* Use e-mail, its better.  
  
*Cast continues to gape.*  
  
Harry: She got rid of the Owl Post?!  
  
Lydia: Now, excuse me, Mr. Dumbledore, I need to see a list of course offered here, to see if it meets the network's guidelines.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Hermione: Did you see what happened to our class lists?  
  
Ron: No, I've been too afraid to look.  
  
Harry: Divination has been completely canceled, because it is 'of the devil,' and that is the same for Defense Against the Dark Arts.  
  
Hermione: Muggle Studies has been turned into Sociology. There is a side note, 'we can't call people different than us 'Muggle' because it is rude, stereotyping, and leaves to wrong impression on the youth.'  
  
(AN/ A classmate of mine complained about Potter fans calling 'weird' people Muggles. She said it was bad because of the aforementioned reasons. But she failed to comment about the fact that everyone in the school called 'weird' people 'gay'. *Sigh......*)  
  
Harry: Potions has been modified. And the ghost is no longer teaching History.  
  
Ron: Well, maybe Potions will be tolerable now.  
  
Hermione: But did you see all the other required classes we are supposed to take? Math, Foreign Language, History, Science, English...... I can barely fit Transfiguration in my schedule.  
  
Ron: Why do we have to take all that?  
  
Harry: In the muggle world, they have all these laws about the classes they have to take in school. Apparently the 'network censor' is making us follow those rules as well.  
  
*Draco is seen at the far end of the hallway.*  
  
Draco: Harry! Ron! *Waves.*  
  
Hermione: Run! *They run.*  
  
Draco: *Chasing them* Where are you going?  
  
Harry: This is going to stop! *He pulls out his wand.*  
  
Lydia: Thanks for reminding me Harry. That is something else I have to change. *She takes his wand and gives him a bubble blower.* Wands are evil. Everyone likes bubbles.  
  
Ron: How dare you! *He pulls out his wand, but it becomes a bubble blower, too.* What the?  
  
Lydia: Bubbles are positive. Wands are associated with witchcraft, which is evil.  
  
*Draco walks over. Doby is with him.*  
  
Draco: Good morning, Ron, Hermione, and Harry.  
  
Harry: Draco, I am in no mood for you to be nice today.  
  
Doby: *Whispering* Harry should not be at Hogwarts.  
  
Lydia: Doby the house-elf. That needs to be modified. *Snaps her fingers, Doby turns into Yoda from Star Wars.* Now Star Wars, that is a good series. And completely Christian-based, too.  
  
(AN/ Yes, I have heard it said that Star Wars is based off of the Bible. I don't see it.....)  
  
Doby: May the force be with you, Potter.  
  
Ron: Run!!!! *They run.*  
  
Peeves the Poltergeist: No running in the halls! *Begins to throw water balloons.*  
  
Lydia: Now, we can't have ghosts running around. That is necromancy, which is evil. *Snaps her fingers. All the ghosts disappear.*  
  
Hermione: *Still running* Don't look back!  
  
*They run into Hagrid, who is dribbling a basketball.*  
  
Hagrid: Wassup?  
  
Harry: Keep going! *They run even faster.*  
  
*As they are running down the halls, they run into someone. They all fall to the ground.*  
  
Hermione: Sorry.  
  
Ron: We didn't see you. *Looks person over* Probably because you are so short.  
  
Harry: What's your name?  
  
Frodo: I'm Frodo Baggins, and I'm a hobbit.  
  
All: .........?  
  
Frodo: Can you tell me where I am? I'm on my way to Mt. Doom.  
  
Harry: This has to be Lydia's handiwork.  
  
Lydia: *As she walks over* Hello Frodo!  
  
Hermione: You're the one who brought him here.  
  
Lydia: Yes, a character from Lord of the Rings is just what this series needs. Everyone knows that Lord of the Rings is another biblically based series. And this series needs more of that!  
  
(AN/ Yep, that's what I've really heard. My old English teacher even had a book titled Finding God in Lord of the Rings.)  
  
Lydia: *Holds up the script* I've had to work ahead to censor some coming stuff. First, we can't have giant snakes. That is a no-no. Everyone knows that snakes represent the devil. So, it is now a giant butterfly. Butterflies are much nicer.  
  
Ron: Snake?  
  
Harry: Beats me.......  
  
Hermione: A butterfly?  
  
Lydia: Second, the giant spider has got to go. How does a giant swan sound? That represents peace and beauty, much nicer than an insect.  
  
Hermione: I think Hagrid might be behind that.....  
  
Harry: Not now...... *Points to Hagrid who is practicing dunking.*  
  
Lydia: Now, what else is there.....?  
  
Ron: Come on! *He begins to pull Hermione and Harry away.*  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
*Outside*  
  
Harry: Do you think we are free?  
  
Hermione: No, she's been here already. *The walloping willow is still.*  
  
Ron: Sure, she couldn't have done that to save my dad's car.....  
  
Harry: But look at what she has us riding instead of brooms. *Points to a group who is using vacuum cleaners to fly.*  
  
Ron: Quidditch is never going to be the same.....  
  
Hermione: Let's keep moving, watching this is depressing.  
  
Lydia: I have one more thing to modify.  
  
Hermione: Run! *They run.*  
  
*Lydia snaps her fingers and they freeze.*  
  
Lydia: It is about your character, Harry.  
  
Harry: *Angrily* What about me?  
  
Lydia: We can't have to lead character be so wishy-washy. We need someone who is not so grey, half evil half good. We need a character who is strong against evil all the time.  
  
(AN/ Yes, I have heard someone say those very words.)  
  
Ron: Harry isn't wishy-washy.  
  
*Lydia snaps her fingers. Harry falls to the ground, stunned and changed.*  
  
Hermione: You've gone too far!!!!!  
  
Lydia: *Thoughtfully* Is there anything I've forgotten....?  
  
Ron: Yeah, the audience! They all left because you turned our story into crap!  
  
The End  
  
AN/ Thanks for bearing with me through this. I feel better, now. And, as always, please read, review, and..... um..... enjoy? 


End file.
